Most people know our girls did not come easily.
Hardly a day goes by that we do not see them as miracles and our hearts swell with the fullness of thanksgiving at our gifts.
It was with a great amount of shock to learn we were expecting again when Kayela was 12 months old.
Our first taste of being "normal"!! Still I could not wrap my head around the fact. It felt surreal or something.
Yet, somehow, deep down I didn't have a good gut feeling about it.
Something just didn't seem right.
In spite of a couple weeks of fatigue like I never had with the girls and feeling some morning sickness. It bothered me that feeling sick started later and didn't have the intensity it did with the girls. It was barely there at all. Then it abruptly ended on my 9 wk mark. Some would say, "Maybe it's a boy!"
This was just after we began telling people...
Still I just kept and pondered these things in my heart.
Other red flags went off over time. Why wasn't I beginning to feel that "firmness" inside yet, why didn't I feel pregnant at all. I felt too normal.
When people would say, "I thought this would happen!" or "Congratulations!" I smiled and said, thank you, but I felt numb.
And then it happened.
Our first clue came last Saturday evening that something really wasn't right. Sunday all seemed ok but I felt this suspense.
Sunday night it started and yet we held onto a small thread of hope that maybe it was something else. I expected to feel like I was in labor if it was a miscarriage but it never got bad.
Tuesday morning I took the picture below. Somehow I felt it was a gift from the Lord as I love beautiful mornings and at that point wasn't sure if we'd lost it yet or not. I remember wondering if it wouldn't end up being used for a "memorial card".
By Tuesday evening we knew it was over without a doubt.
I never got to see our baby and highly suspect it was gone a long time.
Today we feel at peace.
In some ways it's a relief to know those gut feelings did mean something and we can now move on. The what-if's and what should've-been's are what hurts. But we will not dwell on what isn't.
The following is edited: I had said "And the sympathy of loved ones" - but please don't feel you must not say anything. It has all meant a lot to us to know you care. I guess I meant the care shown has just made it more real, but that's ok! I'm just trying to be honest!
In all honesty we have not felt just crushed and devastated. Yes, I've cried a little but I think if there was proof that there was life when it happened it would've cut much deeper. But the fact that I never felt that confidence that there was life in there like I did with the girls and it felt forced to just "believe" it, kept me from getting very tied up emotionally. Maybe no one can understand that, but that's the best I know to describe it.
(Thank you to the friend who pointed this out and confirmed in my mind that I needed to (try to) clarify this ;))
We will look at our beautiful girls with more love than ever (how?!) and hold them even tighter, and will live for today!
God is good.
He is close.
And He never fails!
