Adoption: Our Story

When we married in April 2008 we wanted our home to be filled with children. Instead we faced 18 months of disappointment, heartache and tears. 

The grief was crushing.

We were so excited, yet afraid to hope, when we finally found out we were expecting. It felt so unreal. Our daughter was born at home in August 2010 - 12 days late! How we soaked up every moment - and still remember every detail. I always had this feeling it wouldn't be easy "next time" but never dreamed it would go THIS long! The pain the first time around paled in comparison to having to relive the pain again with the added knowledge of knowing what we were missing and watching our girlie grow up all alone and be lonely. Everyone around you, no matter how much some may love their children, take biological children SO for granted - their comments, the single-mindedness of their conversation topics... Not all of us think the only thing to talk about is having babies and what their baby is doing. Sigh. Who cares who's pregnant AGAIN!!! 

Please don't get offended if we don't react with exuberance over your news. It often feels like salt added to a wound at first.

 Like someone said, when we talk to unmarried friends we don't go on and on about our spouse and how much fun we have together. But no one seems to think that maybe we need to be understanding around those who have empty aching arms. And please don't just assume its the way they want it. Statistics show that infertility is on the rise and everyone who walks the road at one time or other feels it very, very deeply. 

I had to come to a point when I finally just gave it so completely into the hands of the Giver of life. I had tried to give it up often over the years. But my prayer was more of a "take this desire away if I'm not meant to have children!!" and I built protective walls around me, trying to avoid the pain as others seemed to float through life without a clue how blessed they were not to have this agony....  I could not physically handle the pain. At times it hurt so bad through my very core and I'd sob all curled up. One such day, in February 2013, finally became the last. My prayer changed to, "Father! Please help me walk through the times it hurts! I can't carry this load!" Oh, the peace that finally became mine! No, the longing for children is still there and, yes, it still has a measure of pain, but never again has the grief so consumed me! Comments still smart and we still don't usually thrill at new pregnancies or babies but we feel God's grace on us as we face those mountains time and time again. 

Truly, we have come to see that we all have a story being written and its our desire and endeavor to be content with and allow our all-knowing Father to write ours. Most of us experience pain or loss in life. Infertility and giving up a dream is a huge loss, but it isn't the biggest loss in life.

Sometimes I feel like crying, and very infrequently I do cry, when I feel the missing so keenly but it's not that wanting-to-die kind of crying.  Please give us room to grieve. I had someone tell me those times of grief was an attack of the devil and I needed to claim victory over it. I beg to differ. It is no different than living through a death month after month. We don't tell people grieving over the loss of a loved one to get a grip and get over it. When they grieve to the point of not being able to function, yes, there is need for victory. But there is a time to work through those things and there will always be a missing. 

"There is a time to weep, and a time to rejoice."

We need grace and understanding.

Monty always was open to adoption. I always loved adoption and thought maybe 'someday' but was slower to give up 'hope' for a bio. Which isn't really truly given up (there's always that desire, too) but I got excited about adoption in February 2014. I had read A Child to Call My Own  and began to see adoption as part of God's plan for us. Not an alternate route we were considering because we faced a road block. Adoption was God's plan and it's beautiful. There is no doubt in our minds we have an abundant amount of love to pour on any child God puts in our home. 

LONG story short: We (I!) spent much of February - September sorting out and learning all our options. We finally settled on our agency's Interstate and Agency Infant programs after a couple other doors closed and felt like this was where God wanted us.

We are hoping we'll be homestudy approved by the end of the month. 

We will be able to adopt in or out of state, whether it's an infant or a young sibling group and will be able to adopt out of foster care if something opened up there. We keep an eye on the waiting children lists online.

We plan to stay under Doretha's age. We kind of have a picture of 1-3 children - twins would be fun!! We have no ethnicity preference.

If we get enough interest and support, we would like to have a sale or silent auction to raise funds for the fees involved. It's humbling for both of us to tell people we need financial help this way yet so many people who adopt have had to do it and it's possible to cover all the costs through donations. We expect around $15,000 if we stick to just our agency. It is appealing to use an out-of-state agency also to expand our connections but then we're looking at $20,000-$30,000. God knows where our child(ren) are and will show us which way to go and provide the means to get there so we'll play that by ear. Please see the donation info on the right of the home page.

We will keep you posted on any plans and dates for a fund raiser.